Submitted by: Kurt J Fitsch
Congressional House Seat For Sale (Washington)
Date: 2009-11-05, 5:01PM EST
Democratic Congressional House Seat for Sale
I am the Democratic Congressional Representative from the 4rd District of an unnamed East Coast state. I’ve decided to sell my seat in the House and move to either Cuba or France in advance of my being voted out of office next year (just kidding about Cuba). The pay and perks of this “job” are excellent and include:
1.) $174,000/year base salary with automatic legislated increases. We made these babies “automatic” several years ago so that we didn’t have to be seen giving ourselves a raise every year.
2.) $156,848/per staff pay allowance can be used to hire up to 18 permanent and four non-permanent aides divided between the members’ Washington and district offices and up to $75,000 of these “staff funds” can easily be transferred to your “official” expense account for use in other categories, such as computers, pencils, hookers, paiges, plastic surgery, whatever.
3.) $1,300,000 office expense allowance
4.) $40,000 in office furnishings allowance
5.) Free postage for mass mailings during re-election campaigns
6.) Federal Employees Health Benefits Program (not to be confused with Obamacare for the masses). This is a truly tasty perk; you may select from several really sweet health benefit plans that cover everything…and I mean everything. Best of all participation is on a voluntary, contributory basis. And we’ve prudently exempted our own participation in any taxpayer funded program because we do not expect that this will provide the quality of care that people such as ourselves warrant. And it’s paid for by the toad tax payers to the tune of 72%. How excellent is that?
7.) Virtually unlimited travel reimbursement on commercial airlines, free use of military aircraft and of course the regular “private” aviation options routinely available from lobbyists, large corporations and big campaign contributors.
8.) Intro to and lifelong acceptance by hundreds of the world’s wealthiest and most influential individuals guaranteeing that you will never have to do another days honest work even if you are voted out.
9.) Endless freebie cocktail and dinner parties so you never have to eat at home again.
10.) Exemptions and immunities from tax, pension, and other laws that may prove to be pesky.
11.) And…I’m not done; do not forget the pension! It will average between $41,000 and $55,000/year depending on how many years you’re able to hoodwink the mutts in your district into re-electing you.
Qualifications & Experience:
Absolutely none required; we only come into the office 3 days a week anyway and don’t actually read any of the legislation we sign. This gives us the time we need amongst ourselves to decide what’s best for all our ignorant, intellectually lazy, red neck, tea bagging, slob constituents and how to better grow government and extend our control into every aspect of our Mutt’s personal and business lives. I mean these people really are morons; they’ve re-elected me for over 20 years LOL! But seriously, if you want to milk this thing like I have you should be comfortable with and prepared to do the following:
1.) Spend; I’m not talking $6,000 shower curtains here, I mean really criminal, irresponsible spending. The way this thing works is PORK. It’s like an endless, perfect Ponzi scheme. You take from the mutts, give to your campaign contributors and they give it back to you in more campaign contributions. And because we never vote for term limits or serious campaign contribution reform it’s the scam that just keeps on giving. Talk about the fox running the hen house! What a bunch of putsches.
2.) Completely ignore and turn a deaf ear to the wishes of your mutts: They are stupid and don’t have a clue as to what’s best for them. Just keep distracting them with “freebies” like cash for clunkers, Federal Housing Tax Credits for 1st time homebuyers and government health care. They seem to be incapable understanding that every dollar we spend we either borrow or steal from them in the first place. We’re calling it Obamamoney right now. It’s not real money anyway. We’ve been running the presses pretty hard and eventually everyone will figure out that’s there’s absolutely nothing behind these dollars beyond our “word” (big LOL!) but we’re betting we can continue our fantasy spending for another 5 years. Personally I haven’t had this much fun since I got my first credit card.
3.) Demonize the productive elements of society: Everybody loves to hate the guy with the big house. Capitalize on this. Never mind that the top 6 percent of filers already pay 60% of the federal income tax bill.
4.) Tell them that health insurance companies make obscene profits: Again, the average mutt can’t understand or remember a 2.2% net profit statistic, but if you use the word “obscene” enough times it will stick.
5.) Work and maintain three sets of books to do your “accounting”: It makes it almost impossible to challenge cost estimates. This has worked for embezzlers for years. If it works don’t fix it, right? It doesn’t really matter anyway what cost you attach to anything as the mutts can’t tell the difference between a billion and a trillion anyway.
6.) Talk about transparency: but reveal nothing that isn’t carefully handled or spun.
7.) Lie: My old standby.
8.) If anyone criticizes or challenges: intimidate, threaten, stonewall and call them by negative sounding names like tea bagger or astro turf. The mainstream media are all in our pocket anyway and we know that our constituent base is also too lazy to do their own research on things like health care profits, global warming and the failures and true costs of State run healthcare in places like England and Canada.
9.) I could go on here but I’m sure you get the idea; just be a lying scumbag. It doesn’t matter what you do. The sky’s the limit. Public service; fagetaboutit, that’s for small minded people who can’t appreciate to true potential of this job.
I will accept all legitimate offers over $25 million for my seat. Don’t waste my time with any smaller numbers (those French cheeses and champagne cost serious doe ray me). Funds can be wired to my Swiss account. I will provide my account number to the highest bidder (no U.S. dollars please).
I am the Democratic Congressional Representative from the 4rd District of an unnamed East Coast state. I’ve decided to sell my seat in the House and move to either Cuba or France in advance of my being voted out of office next year (just kidding about Cuba). The pay and perks of this “job” are excellent and include:
1.) $174,000/year base salary with automatic legislated increases. We made these babies “automatic” several years ago so that we didn’t have to be seen giving ourselves a raise every year.
2.) $156,848/per staff pay allowance can be used to hire up to 18 permanent and four non-permanent aides divided between the members’ Washington and district offices and up to $75,000 of these “staff funds” can easily be transferred to your “official” expense account for use in other categories, such as computers, pencils, hookers, paiges, plastic surgery, whatever.
3.) $1,300,000 office expense allowance
4.) $40,000 in office furnishings allowance
5.) Free postage for mass mailings during re-election campaigns
6.) Federal Employees Health Benefits Program (not to be confused with Obamacare for the masses). This is a truly tasty perk; you may select from several really sweet health benefit plans that cover everything…and I mean everything. Best of all participation is on a voluntary, contributory basis. And we’ve prudently exempted our own participation in any taxpayer funded program because we do not expect that this will provide the quality of care that people such as ourselves warrant. And it’s paid for by the toad tax payers to the tune of 72%. How excellent is that?
7.) Virtually unlimited travel reimbursement on commercial airlines, free use of military aircraft and of course the regular “private” aviation options routinely available from lobbyists, large corporations and big campaign contributors.
8.) Intro to and lifelong acceptance by hundreds of the world’s wealthiest and most influential individuals guaranteeing that you will never have to do another days honest work even if you are voted out.
9.) Endless freebie cocktail and dinner parties so you never have to eat at home again.
10.) Exemptions and immunities from tax, pension, and other laws that may prove to be pesky.
11.) And…I’m not done; do not forget the pension! It will average between $41,000 and $55,000/year depending on how many years you’re able to hoodwink the mutts in your district into re-electing you.
Qualifications & Experience:
Absolutely none required; we only come into the office 3 days a week anyway and don’t actually read any of the legislation we sign. This gives us the time we need amongst ourselves to decide what’s best for all our ignorant, intellectually lazy, red neck, tea bagging, slob constituents and how to better grow government and extend our control into every aspect of our Mutt’s personal and business lives. I mean these people really are morons; they’ve re-elected me for over 20 years LOL! But seriously, if you want to milk this thing like I have you should be comfortable with and prepared to do the following:
1.) Spend; I’m not talking $6,000 shower curtains here, I mean really criminal, irresponsible spending. The way this thing works is PORK. It’s like an endless, perfect Ponzi scheme. You take from the mutts, give to your campaign contributors and they give it back to you in more campaign contributions. And because we never vote for term limits or serious campaign contribution reform it’s the scam that just keeps on giving. Talk about the fox running the hen house! What a bunch of putsches.
2.) Completely ignore and turn a deaf ear to the wishes of your mutts: They are stupid and don’t have a clue as to what’s best for them. Just keep distracting them with “freebies” like cash for clunkers, Federal Housing Tax Credits for 1st time homebuyers and government health care. They seem to be incapable understanding that every dollar we spend we either borrow or steal from them in the first place. We’re calling it Obamamoney right now. It’s not real money anyway. We’ve been running the presses pretty hard and eventually everyone will figure out that’s there’s absolutely nothing behind these dollars beyond our “word” (big LOL!) but we’re betting we can continue our fantasy spending for another 5 years. Personally I haven’t had this much fun since I got my first credit card.
3.) Demonize the productive elements of society: Everybody loves to hate the guy with the big house. Capitalize on this. Never mind that the top 6 percent of filers already pay 60% of the federal income tax bill.
4.) Tell them that health insurance companies make obscene profits: Again, the average mutt can’t understand or remember a 2.2% net profit statistic, but if you use the word “obscene” enough times it will stick.
5.) Work and maintain three sets of books to do your “accounting”: It makes it almost impossible to challenge cost estimates. This has worked for embezzlers for years. If it works don’t fix it, right? It doesn’t really matter anyway what cost you attach to anything as the mutts can’t tell the difference between a billion and a trillion anyway.
6.) Talk about transparency: but reveal nothing that isn’t carefully handled or spun.
7.) Lie: My old standby.
8.) If anyone criticizes or challenges: intimidate, threaten, stonewall and call them by negative sounding names like tea bagger or astro turf. The mainstream media are all in our pocket anyway and we know that our constituent base is also too lazy to do their own research on things like health care profits, global warming and the failures and true costs of State run healthcare in places like England and Canada.
9.) I could go on here but I’m sure you get the idea; just be a lying scumbag. It doesn’t matter what you do. The sky’s the limit. Public service; fagetaboutit, that’s for small minded people who can’t appreciate to true potential of this job.
I will accept all legitimate offers over $25 million for my seat. Don’t waste my time with any smaller numbers (those French cheeses and champagne cost serious doe ray me). Funds can be wired to my Swiss account. I will provide my account number to the highest bidder (no U.S. dollars please).
All replys to: bagoscumcongressman@gmail.com
